Sacrifice Pays Off

This past Saturday I was honored to watch my brother graduate from college. He received his Associates Degree and will soon return to earn his Bachelors Degree. What's so special about that? Kids graduate from college every year - just another person with a degree, no big deal.

If that's what you're thinking, you couldn't be further from the truth. My brother had the courage and dedication to put his life on hold for two years and sacrifice countless hours, days and weeks to study and make something of himself. When I say that he put his life on hold, I mean his social life. Because also during this time, he also maintained his full time job as well as doing a multitude of everyday tasks such as painting the interiors of his home, landscaping, woodworking projects, etc. Oh yeah ... he also turned 50 last year.

As we made the drive to the graduation, I had many thoughts going through my mind. I remembered him telling me that he was going back to school to get his degree. "Oh yeah? Cool." And that was that. No excitement on my part. No encouragement or support at the time. I guess I had him confused with me and my attempt at college. Way back when I was around 18 or 19, I decided to go to college. I had been out of high school for a year and working as a graphic artist for a commercial printer. When I got laid off, I made the decision to go to college a couple of months prior to the beginning of the fall semester. That's just like me... quick decision, apply for a loan (Dad co-signs) and off I go on my own to obtain my degree in photography.

Long story short ... I still have the letter I received from the end of that year ... "University Dismissal" they called it. In so many words, they asked me to leave the campus and not return for a minimum of 1 year or until I got my shit together. They didn't exactly say it that way ... they churched it up a bit, but they made their point. I blew that college loan, not on a college education, but rather an education on life. While I can't say that I regret that year, I can say that I did not apply myself in the classroom. I certainly can't make that statement about my brother. He graduated with honors. Thank God, decades later, he didn't take after his younger brother.

When I first caught a glimpse of him walking to the assigned seats in his graduation gown, I actually teared up. That lump in my throat got the best of me and I found myself wiping my eyes when I should have had that camera up to my eye. I began shooting photos the closer he got to me, and when we made eye contact, I thought for sure I'd choke up and blubber like a fool, but I regained my composure and made it through the ceremony without any problems. At least no major problems.

Throughout my life, my brother has shown me many things. There was quite some time where we didn't see eye to eye on just about everything. Anyone who knows me just takes it for granted that I am a stubborn, bull-headed asshole at times. I let that get in the way through the years and wasted that time away from him that should have been spent enjoying our time together as brothers. I regret that to this day and as much as I wish I could get that time back, I know it's too late. But the time I have left on this earth will not be wasted. I look forward to every minute I have with my brother. He's all I have from our family growing up. With Mom and Dad both gone now, my brother is golden. And he was truly golden the day he walked across that stage and they handed him that well earned diploma.

You worked hard, bud... you worked hard and you were rewarded. And I've been rewarded with the best brother God could ever create. I couldn't be more proud of you and I love you.

We are a family once again

After a long and very tiresome day at work on Friday, with trailer in tow, we headed out to retrieve two daughters from college for their summer break.

Earlier Friday morning, I found that the hinge pin on the ramp to the trailer had broken its weld and could easily slip out. This in turn would cause the steel ramp that weighs nearly 75 pounds to detach and, at 65 mph, would surely take out anyone behind me on the highway.

At 6:30am, I find myself drilling into the hardened steel hinge and pin to set a cotter pin to prevent the hinge-pin from falling out along the trip. The more I worked on this, the more I thought what could happen to someone had I not discovered this mechanical malfunction. I felt sick at my stomach seeing the devastation it could cause, having a sharp-edged steel frame bouncing wildly out of control along a busy highway at such speeds. Many lives could have been lost, all caused by the failure of a single steel rod the thickness of a cigar.

At any rate, I was late to work, but relieved that my fix would hold out for the trip - and it did. The rest of the day was jumping from client to client, and also trying to deal with vendors who brought in a new high speed digital copier to demo. Seems we needed a 220 outlet that was two-phase and we had a three-phase outlet. All this meant shit to me, as I am not an electrician, nor did I care. They brought in an electrician and the problem was solved. Afterward, the vendors took over an hour on how to use this equipment which put me further behind. When it was all over, and the dust had settled from one emergency after another, I only had two items completed for the day and I was exhausted. From that fiasco, it was time to drive 1.5 hours to pack up the contents of two dorm rooms onto a 5 x 8 trailer ... in the rain. It's amazing how much shit two adult women can accumulate in such little rooms.

We arrived home close to midnight and had to unpack ... in the rain. Once that was accomplished, I locked up the house, undressed and collapsed in bed with the one person who understands and shares in this exhausting life. I'm happy we're all together now for the time being, but I could literally sleep for days. My drug of choice is sleep - and it's been so very long since I've gotten a good dose.

Here's to 25 more...

It was a hot summer night in 1982 and from out of the blue, my cousin calls me up wanting to go out. I rarely ever hear from my cousin, so it was nice that he called me up that night.

We get to the club and the later it gets, the more I have been drinking. The club had three levels and I stood at the middle level along a rail to look out over the dance floor, surveying those enjoying the music. As I gaze out through bloodshot eyes across the floor where people are dancing, I notice someone looking up at me.

I smile.
She smiles.
I turn to look behind ... surely she didn't smile at me - she's gorgeous!
No one there. She smiles again and looks down at the floor. She leans in to speak to the girl she is with and as she starts to walk away from her, I start my decent down the stairs to the dance floor. We meet halfway on the steps and I ask her to dance. She accepts. Holy shit, she accepts! The music plays into the night and we can't stop looking into each others eyes and smiling.

Oddly enough, she came to the club with her cousin as well. She felt the need to go out, as a day or two before, she had her wisdom teeth removed and was tired of being at home. Our paths crossed that night, and while the dancing was over, I hurried home and lay on my bed in the dark with the phone on my chest waiting for the pre-determined time to call her in the wee hours of the morning. She had a longer drive home than I and the minutes seemed like days waiting for her to make it home so I could call her. When I did make the call, we talked forever. She had my heart and I knew she was what I had been waiting on for so many years.

After three weeks, I asked her to marry me. We were so much in love that I couldn't wait to make her my wife. If someone would have told me this story ... about meeting someone in a nightclub and proposing after a mere three weeks, I'd tell them they were crazy. This kind of thing doesn't work for everyone. But after three children and 25 years of marriage as of today, I cannot imagine a life without this happiness.

We were so young when we were married - I was 21 and she was 19. From that simple, innocent smile, more than 25 years ago, she holds my soul. We have enjoyed a 25 year honeymoon that I pray will never end.

As time silently moves forward, our spirit and love for each other grows stronger every day.
She is my world.
She is my life and breath.
She holds my heart, forever and always.

I love you.

On May 4, 1970 the Ohio National Guard opened fire into a busy college campus during a school day. A total of 67 shots were fired in 13 seconds. Four students: Allison Krause, William Schroeder, Jeffrey Miller, and Sandra Scheuer were killed. Nine students were wounded.

>MP3< Ohio - Crosby, Stills & Nash

>MP3< Ohio - Mott the Hoople (Live)

>WMA< Ohio - Dink

For more information visit May4.org.

Searchme Visual Search

Searchme Visual Search is a really cool search engine still in the beta stage. Once this baby gets refined, it will surely be a cool tool in your search arsenal for information and websites on the internet. You can read about Searchme here, see the YouTube commercial and demo here. Thanks to Cat at Designers Who Blog (awesome blog) for this find.

25 Signs You're a Hardcore Designer

1. You've had a client that thought they knew more about design than you.

2. Your clients pay you for your professional expertise and skill, yet you've run into one of 'those' clients, that refuses to take the advice from the very person he/she is paying for advice (you).

3. You've had a client that insisted on using the font "Papyrus", and you had to hold in your barf as you prepped the design for printing.

4. You've requested a vector logo from a client, and instead, they email you a 72 DPI image they grabbed from a website.

5. You cannot make anyone understand that Comic Sans is NOT A FONT. It needs to be removed from every computer ever manufactured.

6. You don't have a favorite font because you love "Typography" not fonts. Choosing a favorite font would be like choosing a favorite child, it's just wrong.

7. You collect as many free vector files and high-res photos from designing blogs, hoping that one day, that cool project will come along that you can actually use some cool shit on.

8. You'd rather have a free font than a free gallon of gas.

9. It's hard to talk about frustrations at your job with a group of friends because they have no idea what "Vector", "DPI", or "Kerning" is, just to name a few.

10. You've had a client ask you to "make the logo bigger."

11. You've had a client that insists on "filling up the space."

12. You have clients that use Microsoft Publisher and feel they are qualified to design.

13. You feel like you're "on call" half of the time because clients procrastinate so much.

14. You know keyboard shortcuts that require 4 fingers.

15. You've lost hours of work because an application crashed, and you had to start over from scratch because you were in the "zone" and forgot to save. Basically, you were having so much fun being creative that saving was the last thing on your mind at the time.

16. You enjoy "live-trace" way too much.

17. You find yourself daydreaming about the execution of a design when you're away from the computer.

18. The only thing that would make you happier than the demise of IE6 is world peace.

19. You're sick of clients asking you for a template so they can "drop in" their clip art when they want to get something out quick.

20. You have enough fonts in your collection (obsession) to last: 1 font per day for about a decade, give or take a year or two.

21. You know, explicitly, what a "flourish" is.

22. You worry about negative space as much as the content area.

23. You have clients that think clip art from Microsoft Publisher, Word or Powerpoint looks good for a printed piece.

24. You've had a client that wants a website they can "update" on their own, but doesn't know shit about websites.

25. You're never more than 90% happy with your final product because you believe that EVERYTHING can be improved upon (especially with those tight-deadline projects).

Mac Attack

I'm tired, so this will be quick...

Had a great day today speaking with Apple reps and enjoying their presentation. Seems as though I'll be getting not one, but two new Apple computers. I'll get an MacBook Pro as well as a Mac Pro with two 20 inch monitors to edit video and produce podcasts using Final Cut Studio. I can't even believe this is happening. For so many years I have wanted to edit and produce video's and now it is finally going to happen. I will have unbelievable technology to work with, and cannot wait until they arrive.

I have always been a PC user and have even ridiculed Mac users. I was quite biased in my views that Mac was not "real world" compatible. After today, I may very well be on my way to becoming a convert. Once I get the Mac Pro to start editing, I think I'll sell my silkscreen equipment and buy my own for personal use. It will be used strictly for video and print design.

I was amazed at the various applications and capabilities of the Mac. You'd think that living the life of graphic design I would have been using Mac a long time ago. But every place I've worked was always PC based. This will be a big change for me, but a welcome change. I won't be going into this with my heels dragging in the dirt. My mind is open and I welcome this change. At one of the breaks during the presentation, one of the guys I was with from work asked me what I thought. I told him I was hungry. He knew what I meant - he's been a PC user all his life too. We're both excited about bringing Mac to our organization. In about a week to ten days, I'll have my new toys. Holy shit, I can hardly contain my excitement.

Until then, here's a few links you might find interesting...

Another design documentary is in the works: Typeface, a film by Justine Nagan. And they are looking for funding.
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Interesting article concerning the new logo for the British Office of Government Commerce (OGC). Whether it was intentional or coincidence, the logo is very funny.
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Detroit Public Schools Book Depository.
The photos.
The story.
Amazing how things in life fall through the cracks.
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And just for the hell of it... check out this site to listen to the voices of ghosts. I found this site by accident and I'm still undecided about how I feel about it. Watch the YouTube video and then scroll down to their listings of EVP's (Electronic Voice Phenomena).

Have a great Friday!

Early Morning Buzz

One of our outdoor security cams got buzzed this morning around 9:30am. A sure sign that Spring is in the air - I can't imagine that we'll have any more cold weather until Fall, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed just in case.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

It was a lesson in futility today at work. I accomplished very little as the constant interruptions were at an all time high. In one of the conference rooms there has been an ongoing trial for someone holding a public office. I don't know the details behind the trial, nor do I care, but the lawyers have been wearing a groove in the floor back to my area for copies to present their case. A couple weeks ago they presented me with a 3 inch binder to make 4 copies. The trial was to begin at 9:00am. I received the binder at 8:25am. Not only did they want the binder copied and three-hole punched, but tabs to be inserted and also where they had marked with post-it notes on the original, they wanted each copy to have post-its in the same place. Mmmm, yeah, sure. Let me squat and take a magical shit and voilà, your binders will appear! Criss Angel I'm not. Like an idiot, I scrambled to meet their request, but it took an hour for the job to be completed.

So, today, this over-paid, pompous twit of a lawyer provides me with more files with post-it notes peeking out here and there, and he wants 4 copies of only those marked with post-it's. I make the copies, hand them to him, he leaves. This ridiculous procedure occurs about 6 times within a 2 hour span. Had Skippy gotten his shit together and given me everything at once, I wouldn't have to do this over and over. The trial is supposed to be over this Friday - another reason for a drink. With three more days of this to go, I'll need one - or two.

Around November of last year a teacher within the district asked for my help in getting her students started in creating a yearbook. They are to create their own page about themselves, yet they have little to no experience using Microsoft Word, Publisher or PowerPoint. Personally I use InDesign for my graphic design work, but they are using the PC's in the computer lab and that's the best they have to make the pages. I spent a good 2 hours trying to instruct 25 sophomores on how to add text and photos to their page. It was like trying to hold down 25 corks underwater at the same time. Kids that age have the attention span of ... ohhh, look something shiny.

Since that initial visit, I had kept in touch with this teacher asking how the pages were coming along. "Oh, just fine... can't wait to get them to you to print in color on the glossy paper and bound so they can take them home." Last Thursday she dropped off several CD's with photos and print outs of half-completed pages to me asking for my help. It seems that their last day with her is April 22nd (TODAY!) and the pages haven't been worked on in months. This has now become my emergency. She pissed around for months and then drops this in my lap last Thursday and expects me to work on my weekend to finish up the pages that the kids started. Well, ya know... I really have no magical shit left following the Johnny Cochran incident with the 3 inch binders a couple weeks ago. So now who has an attitude with me?

That's alright, I've got big shoulders, I can handle it. Maybe she will wake up and realize that it wasn't my responsibility in the first place. Maybe I'll realize that it's like the old man used to say, "No good deed goes unpunished". I have got to learn to say no. It's been a problem with me for as long as I can remember. Someone needs help and I offer, and time after time, I end up with teeth in my ass.

When you're brought up to offer a hand to someone who needs you, it's hard to turn away. I hate to see people who need help and not offer assistance. I don't do it for the "atta-boy" ... I do it because I would hope that someone would help my wife or kids should they need it - no questions asked; no reward expected, just be there for someone. I'm finding that some people make a life out of taking advantage of others good nature. Will I stop helping people because of that - probably not. Will I get shit on again ... probably so. It might not sit well with me at the time, but it will be soon forgotten. I'll not change who I am because of the actions of a few. Whether or not they appreciate the help is of no consequence, it's how it makes me feel that means something to me.

“We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” -Gandhi

A letter to my future self...

I remembered reading something on the internet about a website that allows you to compose an email to yourself and then have it delivered on a specific date. What a concept - what a way for self-evaluation and a chance to see where you've been and how far you've come in life.

There is also a section where you have the opportunity to read messages that others have written that chose the 'public' option rather than keeping their message private. As I read through countless messages, it seemed that many wrote about love or being alone.

It's interesting to see so many people having the same thread of priorities through their life. The most common subjects were love, money, success, relationships, and family. Reading through these messages, we seem to have so many questions for ourselves to answer. We want to ask ourselves about our future. Our eyes are looking forward, yet many pull behind a heavy burden of hurtful relationships, lonely nights and missed opportunities. Reading the messages puts life in perspective as it seems we all want just about the same thing. Through our life, we experience many situations, emotions and feelings. While we struggle through these events, many of us (myself included) feel that we must go it alone, that no one understands or has an idea what we are going through. We internalize it and while some get through these events, others, sadly do not.

What I've found or realized through reading these messages is that we are so much alike in so many ways. Men and women writing similar messages, both feeling as though life is cruel and sometimes hopeless. They seek love and understanding and want so much to care for others.

As I read more and more, I looked at the dates of when the letters were delivered. Some of these dates are still years in the future, while others have already been delivered. How were those messages received ... were they accurate in their assumptions? Such hope in their questions. Such sadness in reading what they are currently experiencing. I'd like to think that many of them were received well, but as creatures of habit and routine, chances are not much had changed from when the messages were composed. Yet I am still hopeful that things have changed for the better for everyone.

Here are a few excerpts from the public messages...

I bet your still alone huh, nobody to love and no one to love you...it's all you ever wanted, was that to much to ask. always the people pleaser, putting everyone's needs b4 your own. But isn't that what they say to do?...but who the fuck are they anyway? and why should you listen to them.
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hello???? I'm talking to you, do you ever pay attention, look at me when I speak to you...what do I see? I see me.. crying inside, using my pills & music to escape as usual...thank you tori amos, without your music, I would have off'd myself along time ago....but it's still looking bleek, I sure hope you lasted another year and got off your lazy ass and did something with yourself, because if you didn't, you sure won't be reading this!
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Remember, mom's bday is may 25th ... try not to forget this year, go order that stupid perfume & be done with it already.
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Have you written your symphony yet? I take it we are still hapilly marrried. Do we have any kids yet and who had them? Me, the wife, or a surrogate? Have we retired yet?
So many questions. I hope the future is bright.
Merry Christmas and call your brother, it was his birthday yesterday.
(written Mon Feb 16, 2004, to be delivered Sat Dec 22, 2012)
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My back is painful from time to time but otherwise I can still do 30 plus press-ups and am reasonably fit. For both our sakes, I hope that technology improvment has meant that you are not reading this and looking back with envy. And that the time in-between has not passed too quickly. But most of all, I hope we are happy with our life, whatever shape it now takes.
(written Sun Sep 25, 2005, to be delivered Tue Jan 9, 2024)
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I dream of getting into movies. Did you succeed in it and are you actually making money from it? Sometimes I try and remind myself of the sentence: What would you do if you were not afraid? I would do so many thing, so what is holding me back. And why do I always want more and more. I wish I could just be happy and content about what I have. I live in the city, I have a husband and baby. Three of my dreams. And if I can have that, I can have more, can't I?

I'm very stressed out due to financial problems. Are you still strugling with money? I want to live life with enough money to know every month will be okay. I want to be able to travel, buy a house, have a party.....

I want lots of friends. I miss my friends. I want to loose weight. I want to be able to forfill my goals and believe in a future.

Mostly, I want to be happy. I want to accept that I lost my pregnancies and move on. I want to have faith in myself. I want to be somebody. Are you somebody now? I want to be proud of myself. Are you proud of yourself? Are you truely happy?
(written Fri Jul 30, 2004, to be delivered Sun Jan 24, 2010)
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It is Sunday December 18, 2005 at 11:12pm, bears have just won, Raquel is not home for the second night, it's 55 degrees in Brownsville, Texas and I'm watching Forest Gump. Cachita is here next to me, wanting to eat my TombStone Pizza, she has Diabetes, and probably kidney and liver disease. She is still chipper though. I have these holidays, can't wait for January 1 to come along and move on with life. I love my daughter Raquel, but she doesn't love me. I do for her, but she does not appreciate. I hope that when this comes around, she would have changed to be a better person. Raquel changer her Major to Business, Ricky may fail Senior year in H.S., My wife is the best wife in the world, I hope she outlives all of us, because I would miss her if she went first. Ricky is supposed to be a Rap performer, we'll see how that went. Anyway, that's all for now. Hey, you look good for your age!
-Me
(written Mon Dec 19, 2005, to be delivered Tue Nov 11, 2008)
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Hello! from 16yr old you.
I would like to remind you that you are supposed to marry Ben. By now the age difference is fine, so you need to go to NY and FIND THE BOY! But... if you're in a relationship, that's okay.. you can just find Ben as soon as this one dumps you (haha. that was mean of me.. I'm sorry). But dont forget that there really are good guys out there and Ben was the one who reminded us of that. Find one who walks you to your car at night even if it's out of his way.. find a guy who always opens the doors for you. Find a gentleman that will make you happy. (cough, cough, BEN!) and if you are in a relationship and the guy needs to be better to you then give him this letter:
Dear stupid guy who needs to be better to future me,
I am an amazing girl and you need to treat me that way. I have always been picky about guys, so consider yourself lucky. At age 16 I still hadnt let a guy kiss me because there were none worthy yet - so if I let you kiss me then be good to me because I thought you deserved me. I am not afraid to leave you. I am a strong person. So booyah. haha. Wouldnt you have liked to know the 16yr old me? I was quite a handful... actually not... but... yeah.. just know this, Mr: I have had about 15 guys ask me out this year alone and I have turned every single one of them down. So feel lucky to be with the future me! I am already impressed with you! haha.
okay, me, I'm out.
I love you. Don't forget to love me. Have fun on your flying car or whatever you drive now. When you go on your yearly trip to mars I hope you bring something to remember the old you.
Oh, and don't write me back.. because that would be extremely creepy.
(written Mon Jun 26, 2006, to be delivered Fri Jun 26, 2009)
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If you'd like to check in on yourself in the future, visit FutureMe.org.